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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Day 3: What Drives Your Life?

Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

I think my family and friends would say that it's my need for approval is the driving force in my life. Honestly, I think the driving force in my life is fear...well, maybe a little of both.

I want God to be the driving force in my life. Somehow, I want to learn to let go completely and let Him control even the things I think I can control without His help. I've always had the idea that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I purposely control certain things in my life because I'm actually afraid to let God control it. In a way I'm afraid of what He would do. I'm figuring out that if even though I'm not specific in what I ask, if I would be specific I probably wouldn't even have to be afraid. It's like giving your children detailed instructions, eventually they get the idea of what you expect from them, but you have to be very specific for a very long time.

Prayer must be the same way. If you're not used to doing it, you need to start by being very specific and doing it frequently. Eventually, your relationship with God will be so close that you will be certain that He knows your next move. That must be what it means to have "well-formed love". I would love to have a relationship with God like that. "Well-formed love banishes fear".

Trusting God is a big issue with me right now. It might be hard to believe, but sometimes I feel like I trust my husband more not to hurt me than I trust God. Until I break that barrier, God won't be the driving force in my life. Even though that bothers me, it's still very hard to completely trust Him like I should. Maybe I should be very specific when I pray and let Him know all the things that I want Him to make sure don't happen to me directly or indirectly. I'm sure I'll either drive myself crazy or give up and trust Him, based on my own past experiences I can see me doing the latter. So there's hope! That is very comforting for me until I wonder if He'll get frustrated with me or give up on me, but then I remember that He said that He would never leave me or forsake me for any reason. So there really is hope.

I truly do want God to be the driving force in my life. He's given me lots of gifts and talents and I really have no clue how He wants me to use any of them. Honestly, probably more than anything, I want to know what I will be doing in eternity. If this book can answer that question, I will be thrilled! Either way, I will be happy to know how I'm supposed to use my gifts.


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