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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Daughter of Zion

I walked away from a stressful situation, went in my room and sat down with my Bible. Asking God to please show me what I should read, I opened the Bible to the book of Lamentations Chapter 1 and started reading. My whole body was shaking as I started to realize...I am a Daughter of Zion. Everything it says in that chapter spells out my life, some things metaphorically...some things literally.

Again, I repent and I am ashamed. Gut-wrenching sobs come out of me that I can't control. Why now? Why in my time of need would He want me to feel this way? Why when I'm looking for comfort would He want to remind me how angry He is with me?

How much more must I suffer for my sins? How many more times must I ask Him for forgiveness? His Son suffered on the cross for my sins. He already paid the price for me. Why is my heart being put through this torture and pain? The sins of my ancestors may have visited me, but I've repented and have been open and honest and confessed my sins...all of them. Even the ones that I'd forgotten.

I know God hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten about me. There isn't anything that He's asked that I haven't done. I've put Him first in my life. I've helped other believers in need. I've encouraged other believers. I've ministered to the unbelievers. I've tithed my 10%. What more does He want from me? I've given Him all of me. How much longer before I have proven my faith? How much longer before He rescues me out of this hole that I'm in?

I've broken down and sobbed until I can't shed another tear. How am I supposed to encourage others when there's no one to encourage me? I need compassion and understanding and instead I've been thrown to the ground and trampled on. When will God give me the strength to pull myself up off the floor? Why can't He close the mouth of those who hurl insults?

At the same time I feel comforted. Like a daughter laying her head on her father's shoulder, grateful for His forgiveness, but at the same time feeling that He is still not pleased with me. I know God is here with me, but why do I feel so alone? If I could step out in faith I would, but there's no where to go. Please God, find your Daughter of Zion worthy enough to be rescued from this misery.

2 Comments:

Blogger Grace said...

I'm not sure what you are going through, but one thing I can say is that God is loving and compassionate, slow to anger and always forgiving. Sometimes it is ourselves that create walls between us and God. We remember our sins and we cannot forgive ourselves. We see ourselves as imperfect, but we've forgotten that God has already made us perfect in Him.

At our worst possible moment, Christ died for us.

Thursday, December 01, 2005 8:54:00 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Praying for you, friend

Saturday, December 03, 2005 8:26:00 AM  

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