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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Have You Ever Had One Of Those "Mysterious" Moments? know like God works in mysterious ways.

He has to know how emotional I am right now. Of course, He knows. I can't even get away with thinking something, but not saying it because He knows. My attitude that I try to bottle up on the inside so I can act like I'm being nice, He knows that's there too. Sheraton wondered how you quit feeling like your standing up inside when your sitting her post and you'll see what I mean. As for myself, I'm sitting down now inside and out...for the moment anyway.

I kept feeling today that I would be humiliated somehow. Little did I know what God had in mind. In my own silly little mind I thought hmmm, just how will I be humiliated? Somebody will come by unexpected and my living room will be a wreck, well I'll take care of that, I'll clean it. I think God's been trying to get me to clean my house for weeks now and finally today I get up and clean it to keep from being humiliated. Well, it's after midnight now and so far nobody showed up and I don't think anybody is going to come by at this hour, but if they do I'll keep you posted.

For weeks I've been telling myself that I'm just one step away from getting depressed so it only makes sense that I can only do so much. It would be a whole new ballgame if I was on medication. I could feel like I'm floating on clouds and smile while I was cleaning. When I was on Zoloft I knew that the only reason why I would keep taking it was so I didn't have to face my reality and I did for a while just until my 30 day supply ran out. I didn't go refill it after that. By that time my reality had improved and I really couldn't in good conscience keep taking it.

Now, I keep telling myself that I can deal with this. No biggie...I can take anything that is thrown at me. As long as I don't have to actually catch it. That might be more effort than I can muster up right now. I'd rather tolerate the pain of getting hit I guess, because that's exactly what I've been doing. Trying to be happy and strong on the outside, but on the inside crying because it hurts. Doing my part, but trying to help God out with His part. Thinking I can help get myself out of this mess I'm in.

So today I tried to outrun God humiliating me...and just so you know, you probably have a better chance outrunning the cops than you do outrunning God. My house did get clean for the most part. I've been telling my husband that I was going to put a couple of things on ebay, so today I decided that I would get that done too. While I was putting in my first listing, I started thinking could I sell it all to follow Jesus? Of course in my husband's mind, we're doing this because we're broke and we need the money. God knows my heart though and in my heart I know that we don't need all of these THINGS...junk, trinkets, stuff that we haven't used or even thought about using. As far as I'm concerned, there's not much that I wouldn't sell and I think that's the real point He was trying to make with me. Yes, I don't think it would be a problem. Now if we start talking about my computer....He's going to have to say with crystal clearness that He wants me to sell it. Well, today He would anyway. I'm not promising anything for tomorrow.

I also decided to end my other auction. Remember what I said about being humiliated? Well, when I had first put the auction up, I tried to keep the right spirit about doing it and even got a little self righteous and left a comment on someone's blog. I knew that I wasn't and couldn't have the right spirit about it no matter how hard I tried. While ago after I'd decided to end the auction, I went and looked at the blog hoping that my comment had gone by unnoticed. It didn't. I clicked the red box with the x so fast you'd have thought I had accidently walked in on somebody in the bathroom and was trying to back out and shut the door before they noticed.

Like I said, you can't outrun God. I signed in on Blogger and noticed that my picture wasn't there. I tried connecting to my website to find out that it wouldn't work. Great! Strangely enough I started to have a pity party and for some reason I couldn't. I mean I guess if I'd tried hard enough I could have, but something inside me said get over it, you know what you need to do. So, I republished my blog to a blogspot address and started making a mental list of who all I needed to notify and went to Blogexplosion and changed my address. Then I went to the blog where I was renting space and clicked on my blog icon. Still nothing...great it's over with. I then explained to "my landlord" that I was having server issues and didn't know how long Blogexplosion would take to change my address, but that I had republished my blog at Then....I went and apologized for my comment.

The whole time I'm thinking God is this your way of trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to do the magazine? I've been going on faith and giving that web address I guess this is it. I can accept that and I can even accept it ending so abruptly, but don't You usually open another door when You close one? I hit submit and signed back on to Blogger and my picture came up. I clicked up in the address bar and typed in the website address and hit enter. There it was...the site had come back up. If you haven't already figured it out, my website is on borrowed time. My first item I listed on ebay should sell for enough to pay my bill so God's taking care of it. If I could just get my silly little mind to know that God's got it all under control and He doesn't need my help, He just needs me to do my part.


Blogger Cindy said...

On the way to work this morning I heard part of the Turning Point message. He was saying something about that verse in the Bible that says "I will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on Me." The speaker said that in the Hebrew it actually reads, "peace, peace" and that the double means something extra, perfect, etc... And, the peace that God gives is just exactly that- extra, and perfect. So, keep your mind stayed on Him...

Thursday, February 09, 2006 3:52:00 PM  

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