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Thursday, November 03, 2005

Are You Asleep Or Did You Just Wake Up?

When I talk about the changes that have been made in me over just the past few weeks, I tend to relate to the feeling of being asleep for a very long time and waking up and seeing that everything around me has changed. At a very young age I was filled with the Spirit and remember the feeling that I was hungry and I couldn't get enough to eat. The way my mind has always worked is, when I find something that interests me I will learn everything I can about it. With most things I get interested in, unlike a jet plane that only burns half it's fuel taking off, I burn all my fuel just taking off and then I crash. It's been like that for as long as I can remember, but not with God.

I found God, at a very young age, I read and researched everything I could from as far back as I can remember until I was about 15 years old. My natural father taught me to read when I was 3 or 4. When a few life changing tragedies happened in my life at 15, I never turned completely away from him, but I only listened to what He said half the time and told Him He'd have to deal with the rest if He wants me to talk to Him at all. I know, I know. Trust me, I know. I said I know! By His Son I have been forgiven and He has opened my ears so I can hear and has opened my eyes so I can see. The church I was in when I was a child, I felt was on fire when I was awake. In more than fifteen years, that same fire burns, but it's flames are no longer enough to feel the heat.

I went to so many different churches. There were the three churches where I was a participating member, which also gave me the opportunities to visit several other churches, as well as the two private schools that I was in were different churches and then there were two churches that I went to with my grandmother and I remember the churches that we went to before the one I remember being a member of. There's countless number of churches that I've visited living with my family and living on my own visiting with or without my family. I'm just trying to give you an idea of what I'm talking about before you read what I say next.

There were churches I remember going to that I could feel they were so alive. There were other churches I was in that felt dry. The church we were in when I was 8, I could see the Spirit pouring out of most every member of it. I've seen people walk in the church who claimed to be filled with the Spirit, but I knew they were not. And I knew the other members who knew it too. From what I remember, I picture the wind, they blew in as fast as they blew out. I remember feeling the Spirit moving and standing with my head back, closing my eyes and lifting my hands up in the air and seeing colors and shapes similar to looking through a kaleidoscope. I could feel a cold breeze, but it was warm as it blew through me. I would breathe in deep and the way the air smelled was a very faint honeysuckle smell. I saw angels walking up and down the isles worshipping with the members.

When we had communion, I pictured myself at the a formal dinner at My Father's table. It wasn't just a chance to drink grape juice and a wafer, although I did get past the cardboard taste by pouring the grape juice on top of it so it would dissolve. After all, you should enjoy eating with your Father. I was very thankful for the wafer and the juice because I knew it was because of Him that I would eat a real meal that day. My Father has given me all the desires of my heart, even when they were brand name clothes and shoes. They may have been barely out of style and second hand, but anything else I was going to get was going to be second hand anyway, mine were name brand.

I remember Him giving me dresses one time. When my mom showed them to me, they took my breath away. Annie had become very popular. I didn't want "her" clothes, but I saw the dresses in the Sears catalogue like the ones she wore. My Father and I looked at the Sears catalogue quite a bit together, but the dresses he had in mind for me put the dresses in the Sears catalogue to shame. From then on, I would see the dresses in the catalogue and think how much nicer the ones I had were.

When God and I were on good terms, I described to Him what kind of husband I wanted. I'm learning to be more specific (smile). Actually, He gave me the exact man for a husband that I asked for. He came with everything I told God I wanted. I wish now that I wouldn't have rushed Him. Because I didn't meet my husband until I told God that He's pretty much going to have to make him end up on my doorstep so I would know. Today I'm even more convinced that God sent him to me. I even said are you sure this is him several times. However, since the day we got married almost 5 years ago, I have had absolutely no doubt in my mind. Of course it's a good thing that I'm constantly being reminded that he was the desire of my heart when I was 12 years old. When I got tired of having my heart broken I told God I wouldn't accept anything less than that. I understand now God's reasoning behind leaving my husband there on my doorstep in the shape he was in.

When I was around 5, me and my Dad, would go on walks. When most kids would have had an imaginary friend, I had my Father that was with me anytime I wanted, because my natural father wasn't there most of the time. After my natural father died, my Father was with me quite a bit. I can remember when I was 8, I use to put on ballet's for him. One time I was brave enough to do one of the routines for my mother. The majority of my fights with my brother was because he called me a weirdo because he would catch me talking to Him. I talked my brother into doing a puppet show with me once. I think I told him we were doing it to entertain our little brother. I remember reading Him Noah's Ark in the nursery at church. Everytime we went to church I'd pull the books out the big books with the Bible stories so I could read them for myself. The babies and the little kids enjoyed it, but I wanted to read it for not only for Him, but for myself.

In sixth grade, I went to a really good private school. I had so many opportunities to learn as much as I wanted to about God. Our Bible teacher was fresh out of Bible College and was pouring over with information. When other kids were doing reports on what they did over summer vacation, I was doing reports on subliminal messages that were recorded on rock albums. Not to mention the essays I wrote on angels, rock music, including reports on album covers and rock bands, fallen angels, giants, Christian Music, and several other related topics. At 7 or 8 years old, I was reading Christian books that were intended for adults because I wanted the privileges that you got for doing above average. I can't tell you what the titles were, but I can remember that what I read made since to me and has stuck with me.

Even though God and I have been distant, He's never let me out of His sight. I may not be a Bible scholar and know everything there is to know, but I can tell you, He and I are both making up for lost time. He's lectured me long enough and now He's letting me know how very much He loves me. It's almost overwhelming at times. So many good things are happening in my life I can't help, but to talk about Him. I feel like wanting to call all my friends and say, "Hey, guess what, I have the greatest news ever! My Father has forgiven me!" Fifteen years is a long time to be out of our Father's grace.

Although, I was the one who wouldn't accept his grace. He was there the whole time and I refused His forgiveness. I still wrote Him letters and I talked to Him occasionally. I never lost the hunger to find out everything about Him I could every chance I got. My husband and I even went to see Passion of the Christ in the movie theaters and I cried and I ached and I wept. I think that was the beginning of my journey back to His house.

I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side. I can only imagine what my eyes will see when Your face is before me....Surrounded by Your glory what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still? Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing halleluah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine...

He IS My Father.


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